LJ’s Story

Posted on March 27th, 2013

shutterstock_116071720In a recent blog post ,I discussed the issue of bullying and announced CCSF’s intention to work on an educational/inspirational video to raise awareness about this urgent issue. We are touched at the outpouring of people offering to help us with this project.

We also asked you to come forward with your stories/experiences with bullying. LJ was the first person to reach out to us with her story, and we were so moved by her strength and inspired by her healing, we just couldn’t wait to share her story with you hoping it will inspire others to share their experiences as well. If you’re interested in participating in this project, please contact me at contact@cdncsf.com.

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My name is LJ. This is my story, while it has a happy ending the beginning was not so hot.

I grew up in a small community primarily with my mother who was single until I was 6 years old. I was a larger child, usually had a funny haircut and very buck teeth. I also had acne. I felt as though I was a cruel joke of God quite honestly. Seems I didn’t stand a chance. I suffered with a low self esteem deep down because of the absence of my father..while my mother did a great job and was as loving as could be there was a seed of rejection deep in me. This seed really blossomed when I hit kindergarten and realized just how different I really was.

I loved to play and loved other kids, however, this love was not reciprocated. I was usually the one in the playground by myself.. I would try to play with the others but was not tolerated by them. I was the brunt of every dirty look and rude comment going. The kids were down right mean to me. I would dread going to school…I eventually found a couple girls who would be my friends but as soon as a more popular child would talk to them I was once again dirt.

My mother eventually married and I had a new family. An older brother and sister as well as a new baby on the way. My new brother and sister resented me and would often bully me when nobody was looking. I didn’t feel a part of this new family. While my mother made every attempt to include me in this new and exciting life I felt isolated. I didn’t want to trouble them with my issues at school.

The issues got worse. I was not included in any “click” and even the other outcasts stayed away. The cruel jokes continued…the name calling was relentless. “tug boat, pizza face, loser” these were the norms. I dreaded every occasion the teacher would try to make group activities or pair me up because nobody ever wanted to be my partner.. Nobody wanted to be associated with me I suppose for protection. Surely if they had they would be bullied also. I would go home everyday from school and cry for years.. I was definitely depressed. I felt trapped I a world of hatred. I felt rejection on every angle. I thought God put me on earth to torture me. It was so unfair. The thought of suicide was present everyday. I just wanted it all to end so bad.

I confided in the teachers on several occasions and they would always say the same thing..”it’s just a phase in your life, you wont know these kids forever..one day it will just be a bad memory and you can have real friends.” I would like to say that while I understand what they were saying now and it was very true..at the time it was devastating. Nothing was done. What could they do? Nobody can force kids to like other kids…cant watch them constantly. Often it would be my word against a group of the popular kids ..There was no support.

I became quite the introvert.. Internalizing everything. I grew a dark, most morbid perception. I always knew God was with me and while I resented Him slightly I would talk with Him often. I started smoking at a young age..did everything I could do to be different form the kids in my school. I lost my virginity very young and always sought older crowds. Often the most rebellious of them because it seemed there was no place for me in my age group. While in older grades the bullying seemed less hostile..still there just more subtle. It was like I had a bullseye on my head and was target practice for everyone having a bad day.

I saw a doctor about my depression as it worsened. I isolated myself to the point I could barely handle to be seen by others. I couldn’t shake the rejection.. they put me on several different kinds of anti-depressants. None could heal the pain I had rooted in me. I must say of all the different medications tried none could touch that painful place in me but marijuana. It really seemed to help. Made me laugh.

In my teen years there were several suicide attempts..countless overdoses, cutting. I was even hospitalized briefly in hopes that a doctor could figure it out..but there was no real counselling..just things like Adavan.

That seed of rejection that was planted so young had grown into a full blown forest with roots entangling every aspect of my life.. Thanks to God though because as I pulled away from society He drew me closer.. After ongoing failed suicide attempts I assumed He had a purpose or a calling on my life and surrendered to Him. I repented of the anger I felt for all those who hurt me. I chose to forgive them.. While the hurt lingered I must admit I was able to give that to Him daily.

I was not really freed from the bullying until high school was over and I could control who was around me. I met amazing people and by the Grace of God have healed. I Am so thankful everyday that God did not allow me to die.

I have three beautiful children now. My daughter is about to enter into kidergarden. I just hope and pray everyday that she gets a better break. No child deserves such cruelty. While I understand better the limited capacity to love others some have I hope to find that it is a better system..that kids these days are trained to empathize and have compassion..even before they can do multiplication!

I hope this is some help… There was a light at the end of the tunnel.. The darkness should not have been allowed. Now I understand better the enemy of my soul and his devices I can easily rise above them. Encourage teachers and parents to pray profusely about the spiritual well being of their children as it is written in Ephesians6:12: “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

— LJ

Donate Info

It’s really easy to get involved in our Clothing Donation Program, and it’s at no cost to you! All we need is your permission to place a clothing bin on your property. Our clothing collection partner ensures the bins are kept spotlessly clean and are collected regularly. They assume all costs and responsibility for bin maintenance and each bin is fully insured.

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